I Feel Sick :S

BLLLAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH.

THAT's how the last couple of weeks has gone.

I'm not even sure I want to write. I really would like to just beat my head against a brick wall and then sleep for a very long time.

I seemed to decide somewhere around the start of last week that it didn't matter. I was half off the bandwaggon and meaning to get more serious with myself again. And then a whole bunch of SHIT happened and I decided FUCK IT, I'll get back on the bandwaggon AFTER I've sorted all this shit out, and in the meantime I don't give a flying fuck.

So I went to town on myself. I have a massive scab in the middle of my chin that's been there all week, and every day I tell myself I'm going to leave it alone and let it heal now, and every day I rip it off my face before ten AM. And the rest ain't so prettty either.

I'm so pissed off right now. I think I really need to go hit something. Writing this is not making me feel any better. Just more frustrated.

It's not even the kind of pissed off that is going to keep me away from the mirror tonight. If anything, it's the kind that's going to keep me going back.

And tweezers. They've come back out too. I told myself that I would do it instead of picking, but that's a fucking lie. It was calm and controlled, at first. And then I got myself into such a frenzy that my hands were shaking and I couldn't aim properly or pluck fast enough and there was SO FUCKING MUCH OF IT and it ALL HAD TO FUCKING GO and then I had to drop the tweezers and run out of the bathroom because I was going so crazy with frustration at not being able to do it fast enough that I thought I might just end up stabbing myself with them and that would not have been good.

It's okay to tweeze, I told myself to start with, it's a good distraction from picking, just don't let it become as much of a problem as picking is, and you'll be fine. And here I am on a Monday afternoon, hiding in my parent's bathroom, making crazy screaming noises inside my head about ripping my whole groin out with a pair of tweezers.

How the fuck am I here? After everything, after all this time and effort, after believing I was mostly on top of this, HOW THE FUCK AM I HERE?