Okay. Bungalow review time.
I have actually been pleasantly surprised at how easy I have found it to be good over the last eight days. When I came here for a fortnight last February, I was desperately trying to quit picking, but had not been working at it for long and was still finding it extremely difficult – also I had not yet found dtM on Wikipedia or the lovely SPOM board; those discoveries came in March. So, in short, this time last year I sucked mighty ass at not picking during my fortnight at the bungalow. In fourteen days I don’t believe I hit more than four stickers.
As I recall, I think I did cover the mirrors back then, but gave in to the compulsion to ‘check how my skin was doing’ all too frequently, which led to the compulsion to pick. This time it’s been different. I put the mirrors away, and left them alone. I get urges to look at my reflection, sure, but it’s not like it was a year ago. I just say ‘no’ inside my head, and go and do something else.
On Saturday, I went on a mega clothes shopping spree. I’ve needed to for a while; I had gotten desperately short of smart clothes for work. I went into the first shop, psyching myself up for a long day of shopping ahead – I don’t particularly love shopping to be honest, it’s so time-consuming trying everything on and it starts to annoy me after an hour or so. But anyway, I grabbed a load of things I liked the look of, headed for the fitting rooms, locked the cubicle door behind me…
And was confronted by my reflection for the first time in a week. Oh god. How had this failed to occur to me? I was going to be spending a very large part of the day locked in private little spaces with mirrors all over the god damn walls.
I took a deep breath, and tried everything on very fast. I was sharply aware of a spot on my cheek that I had managed to mostly ignore for the last couple of days. It was screaming at me in my head, and the mirror felt like gravity.
I looked. I looked very closely, but I did not touch. I was good.
Next shop. Another mirror. I looked again. I touched it, briefly. I closed my fingertips around it, and then snatched them away. I would do this. I would beat this. I would not give in.
Next shop. Looking. Touching. And then it was happening and I knew I should stop but somehow I didn’t, and then it was all over and a raised red blotch was all that was left.
Damn it all to hell.
I couldn’t believe it. I had been doing SO well! And then a mirror had happened, and my resolve had utterly fallen apart. I knew that covering the mirrors would be a help. But it wasn’t until then that I realised how easy it was to do well when there were no mirrors, and how easy it was to fall down when a mirror was put in front of me.
All the good that I am doing here in the bungalow is going to count for nothing when I get back home, if I cannot find a way to fight the mirrors. Because I cannot get away from them there. And I will fall down again and again and again, when I could be doing so well, if only those fucking mirrors weren’t there!
How the hell do I work around this? How?
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hi peachy,
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling with the mirrors too, but really you can avoid them alltogether. If you go shopping know there is a (big) chance you'll encounter some and decide whether you want to take the risk or not. With practice even if a shop or place is loaded with mirrors you can still ignore them and not see yourself at all. But of course if you go shop for clothes..well you want to see if they fit right? So maybe procastrinate that to a day you're confident enough or do it as a reward for not having picked in a long time.
The trick is to be aware about the possible encounters before having them. If you go to work or to school or to a friend or whatever, remember they have mirrors in the bathrooms or toilets and you have to avoid them. Know where they are so you can avoid them. If you wash your hands in the sink just keep looking at your hands, as if you're obsessed by them. At some point it sinks in and it becomes a habit NOT to look in the mirror, how difficult it may seem in the beginning, 'cause how easy it is to just have this glance. It's done in a second.